Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
