I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
