The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
