i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
honey bunches of taint.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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