I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
