This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
