I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
