i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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