I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Less talking, more tequila
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
