If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
