Where did you get a picture of my penis
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
