i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
