Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
