my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
