When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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