Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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