its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All I want is dick and wine.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize