Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
