You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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