i love accidental penises.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
