i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
