I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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