i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
