Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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