the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize