Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
