well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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