his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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