Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
