Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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