I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
