peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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