are you still at the devil's house?
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I had to cum in my sink.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
