I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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