I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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