dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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