I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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