I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
