I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
