I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
