why didn't you poke me back
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
