i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
