I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
