You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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