Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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