Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
