why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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