Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
