I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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