...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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