The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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