I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
