I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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