she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
