Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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