i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
