i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
