are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize