Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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