So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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